With peace came time, time to reflect, to connect and in some cases reconnect with people you were once close to. Clarke suddenly found herself with a lot of time and with no life-threatening circumstances to occupy her attention, she found herself feeling more than a little lost. But she had a second chance with her mother, she was not going to pass this up. There was also Maddie and though Clarke loved her like her own daughter, she had to admit that Maddie did not need her as she once did. And now with a community around her, she wasn’t tied to Clarke. She was out making her own choices, meeting new people and having new experiences.
Clarke was glad she still had Bellamy. They drifted towards each other and even though it was slow going, Clarke was happy but because it felt earned. Like they deserved a little happiness after everything they had gone through. Clarke had her mother, she had Maddie and she had Bellamy, she had her family back and she was happy. But through it all, there was a part of Clarke that was always missing. She felt it sometimes like a ghost-limb, this emptiness inside her and no matter how much she tried to fill it and tried to convince herself that she was fine, she was happy, that emptiness remained.
Raven and Monty were regular fixtures around her and Bellamy. As if they too wanted to get back a little sliver of who they used to be. Clarke knew why they all, even Octavia, gravitated towards each other. They were the only ones who truly understood what they had gone through. The things they had done. When they were with each other, they didn’t feel as alone. Clarke didn’t think that she and Octavia would ever be close, but she was glad that they had reached a point where Octavia wasn’t actively trying to kill her.
Clarke, no longer wanted to lead. She was thrust into a role she never wanted. She had wanted to be an artist, to create things of beauty, things that brought light into peoples’ lives. Instead, she had turned into someone she still didn’t always recognise. What she had done to protect her people, what she had done at Mt. Weather. She couldn’t undo those decisions. She couldn’t go back and save the people she had lost. She had lost the person she used to be and that was perhaps the person she missed the most. The person who saw the best in people, who saw beauty in the world instead of threats, who saw a world filled with hope and optimism.
Even now, in these times of peace, she didn’t always trust it, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. She saw that Bellamy had the same concerns, so when he decided to join the group of leaders, she didn’t begrudge him that. She lost a part of herself and so did Bellamy, but he also thrived in leading them. It suited him, it gave him a goal, a purpose. Clarke was happy for him but always refused when he asked her to join him and the committee. She was done with that life.
They had a few good years before Clarke fell sick. It started fairly innocuously, she would get easily tired and feel drained. But then it began to get worse and Clarke went from bad to worse in a matter of days. She was in constant pain and only the intensity changed. Some days were better than others. Her organs had begun to fail.
Her mother ran a whole battery of tests with what she had available and could find no cause for her failing health. It was Clarke who finally figured it out.
“It’s the night blood.”
Abby and Bellamy didn’t believe her, “That can’t be it. We would have heard something, read something.” Bellamy was still shaking his head.
“It’s the only thing that does make sense. Think about it. We haven’t had a serious disease breakout in ages. We’re actually being safe in what we consume. No one is exhibiting symptoms like mine.”
Abby was silent for a few minutes, then said, “Your body fully assimilated the night blood cells. If you had to have a reaction, it would have happened when the blood cells were injected into your blood stream. It doesn’t make sense.”
Clarke didn’t say anything. She didn’t know why she was so certain. It could be that it was a passing illness like Abby believed but Clarke wasn’t so sure. She sought out Indra, one of the few people who might give her straight answers. She finally found her in the training ring, alone.
Clarke was already exhausted by the time she reached her. With no place to sit, she had no option but to stand. She waited for Indra to notice her.
“What do you want?” Indra was always a ray of sunshine. All these years of living in the same camp made no difference, her reaction to Clarke was always frosty at best.
“Did you ever come across anything that left the night-blood vulnerable medically?” She didn’t see the point of stalling.
“All the sacred texts were lost in the Praimfaya. Titus would have known but he is lost to us too.”
Clarke deflated. “You could ask Gaia? Maybe she knows something…”
Indra continued with her motions, not even looking at her, “Gaia and her sect only knew the legend, the rituals. She did not get a chance to finish her training.”
Clarke just stood there, trying to blink the black spots away. She leaned against one of the posts.
Indra was quiet for so long that it seemed she was done talking. Clarke was just about to leave when she continued, “I never saw any of them get sick the way you have. But then the Commanders weren’t known for their long lives, with constant threats of violence, none of them lived long.”
They were both silent after that, thinking of the last Heda. Clarke remembered that day with crystal clarity, even the parts that she wished she could erase.
She faded out and when came to, she was back in the med-bay, under the careful supervision of her mother. It was a good thing that Indra didn’t hate Clarke, or she might have let her fall to the ground, thankfully, she caught her just as Clarke lost consciousness..
Abbi noticed how pale she looked and she had to swallow her fear. She had to believe that they could get past this. They had gone through so much together, Abbi refused to believe that this could be the end.
“You over-exerted yourself today.” she said quietly.
Clarke looked at her mother, saw the strain that she tried so hard to hide, the dark circles. She knew her mother was afraid, but strangely Clarke wasn’t. She felt this sense of peace, it was almost soothing.
“It’s okay mom, I’m not scared.” She reached out and took her mom’s hands. Clarke’s hands felt cold in Abbi’s. She was fading too quickly.
“Has Bellamy come back yet?” Clarke’s voice was soft.
“Not yet honey. He’ll come straight to you as soon as he gets back.” Abbi ran her hand through Clarke’s hair, felt her clammy skin when she kissed her forehead.
Clarke nodded, her eyes closed.
Clarke felt like she was drifting, weightless and free. When she opened her eyes, her surroundings were different but she would recognise them anywhere. She was back in the Tower. In Lexa’s room, her bed.
“There you are.”
Clarke’s heart stopped when she heard the voice. The voice she thought she would never hear again. She bolted upright- and there she was. She looked exactly as she had the last time they had shared the bed.
“Lexa” Clarke breathed. Not trusting herself, what she saw. She had seen this too many times, always believing it to be real only to wake to the cruel reality that it had all been a dream.
Lexa walked towards the bed, her steps steady and measured, as if she was afraid that Clarke might react badly.
“It’s okay, I’m here. It’s real.”
Clarke reached for her hand as Lexa reached the bed. Lexa lay down on the bed next to her and Clarke couldn’t take it anymore. She pulled Lexa towards her and crushed her in a hug, still not truly believing that Lexa was here, with her. She pulled back and searched her face, running her hands over her face, over her eyes, eyes she had thought she could drown in, tracing her eyebrows, her mouth. Lexa stayed still, her own eyes closed as she sighed, as if she too had been holding her breath.
“You’re really here.”
Lexa looked at her, gave her a small smile and leaned in and kissed her softly, once, twice.
“I told you that I would always be with you. Our story is not over.” Lexa’s hands cupped Clarke’s face. She rested her forehead against Clarke’s and for a moment, they just basked in each other’s presence.
For the first time in a very long time, Clarke didn’t feel incomplete. That void she felt inside her, it was gone. She felt like she could finally breathe at ease. She still clutched Lexa to her and Lexa didn’t seem to mind. It was finally starting to sink in, Lexa was here, it was a real and that’s all she cared about.
She looked up and found Lexa looking at her, a faint smile on her face. It struck her then that she had never seen Lexa look so at peace. She looked… happy. For once, they weren’t at odds, weren’t at opposing ends, trying to look out for their peoples.
Lexa wrapped her arm around Clarke’s waist and pulled her closer. She brushed her lips against Clarke’s.
“Do you remember when you told me, that one day we won’t owe anything to our people?” Lexa breathed against her lips.
Barely able to think straight, Clarke nodded, not trusting herself to speak, she remembered everything about that day.
“Well, that day has come, Clarke kom Skaikru.”
Lexa deepened the kiss until Clarke couldn’t think of anything except how good it felt to be in Lexa’s arms. She pushed Lexa on her back and kissed her harder, not able to hold back anymore. She had hungered for this, for the taste of Lexa’s lips, the familiar lines of her body. They were both moving their hands, driven to touch, to feel, breathing hard.
They fit together like pieces of a puzzle, one completing the other, balancing each other. Clarke realised that it had always been like this. She didn’t realise it before, but the only person who took her exactly as she was was Lexa. She saw her and everything that she had done and never turned away, never asked her to change. She had loved Lexa and in some ways, she never stopped. It’s why, for all her affection for Bellamy, she couldn’t really let him in the way she had Lexa.
Feeling Lexa’s hands under her shirt, on her skin, Clarke’s lost herself in Lexa. Her last coherent thought was she was home, she was finally where she belonged.
Ravings of a Manic Reader 